![]() ![]() In-between the averagely staged action laced with Reynolds and Jackson shouting at each over (never funny), there’s a through-line about Darius and Sonia starting a family and the film’s one genuine surprise, revolving around Morgan Freeman. The first film had slivers of character - a fun sing-along with a group of nuns, Hayek beating up goons to Lionel Richie’s Hello, which gets a reprise here - but personality is largely absent second time round. The only innovation the film adds to the genre is Sonia shouting about her “tight pussy” at the top of her lungs. What follows is a story jammed with typical action-movie shenanigans: a suitcase full of money, a wrist-band primed to explode, a jaunt around international locations (mostly Italy), black cars in convoys, and a ridiculously high body-count (like the first film, it’s particularly violent for a film with a comedic agenda). It just about has more laughs than the title has apostrophes. In convoluted but not particularly interesting ways, the trio are hired by a US Interpol operative (Frank Grillo) to stop Greek tycoon Aristotle Papadopolous - a monicker so Greek, his middle name is probably Taramasalata - from bringing down Europe by hacking into a central data junction, with a view to wiping out the power grid in retaliation for the EU imposing tough sanctions on Greece. Sporting a “linen robe with an insanely high thread-count”, he is pulled out of recuperation by Sonia ( Salma Hayek), Kincaid’s wife, to rescue her husband, who has been kidnapped by the Mafia. The set-up sees Ryan Reynold’s bodyguard Michael Bryce unable to cope with life after being stripped of his triple-A bodyguard licence for saving the life of hitman Darius Kincaid ( Samuel L. Patrick Hughes’ follow-up to his lacklustre 2017 mismatched-buddy flick, itself a throwback to Shane Black’s output ( Lethal Weapon, The Last Boy Scout), boasts nary an ounce of ambition or imagination, continually meeting the low bar set by the original. It’s just a shame, then, that you have to sit through 100 minutes of a knackered action-comedy to get there. ![]() A hood? The drowning parts of waterboarding might make for a welcome release from all the juvenile dialogue, terrible CG and disordered action scenes.The funniest joke in Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard occurs at the last gasps of the end credits. “Put the hood back on,” Reynolds pleads with a would-be kidnapper. Random misfortunes, including an infertility (?) subplot, pop up between random bad guys. Random objects, including a mace, duly pop up in random European locations. Their mission is to stop a megalomaniac (Banderas) with many embroidered jackets and slippers from destroying Europe. In case you missed the eminently disposable, but vastly superior The Hitman’s Bodyguard from 2017, this unwelcome sequel reunites Michael Bryce (Reynolds), a suspended bodyguard with anal-retentive tendencies, titular hitman Darius Kincaid (Jackson) and Darius’s con-artist wife (Hayek). “He’s protecting my ass-et,” says an admiring Jackson as Hayek shimmies off into the distance. Mirthless comic set-ups – smoochy slo-mo reunion set to Lionel Ritchie’s Hello interrupted by Reynolds’s snark – are further punctured by anti-zingers. Random acts of gore – violent suffocation by plastic bag – jostle uncomfortably next to cartoonish brain splatterings. Salma Hayek calls attention to her own breasts. ![]() Three writers are credited with a screenplay that was assembled with scant regard for rhyme or reason, and that rolls out tropes that ought to be long-retired. Antonio Banderas sandwiched a career-best turn in Pain and Glory with the mouldy buns of Life Itself and Doolittle.Īnd here comes Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard to test your faith in all of these stars and humanity in general. Salma Hayek appeared in Dogma and Wild Wild West in the space of one calendar year. When did the fun go away? It’s not as if Samuel L Jackson’s patented shouty frustration and Ryan Reynolds’s perma-winking wise-cracking haven’t been ill-used before. ![]()
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